Why? Depression - or so I said. Oh, and did I mention I'm epileptic? Yeah, that too - let's through that in there as an excuse as well.
Does clinical depression exist? I don't know, probably. Does epilepsy? It seems so, I do have seizures when I don't take my meds. Did/do I need medication to treat depression as well?
Well see that's a good question. and it's one that I've struggled with a lot. I don't think it's fair to compare epilepsy to depression because depression serves a purpose. When you put your hand on a hot stove it hurts, but that pain lets you know that you need to move your hand. Depression obviously doesn't feel good, but it can sometimes be an indication that something is wrong (an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation). The brain is a part of the body, however, and I suppose that in some cases extreme depression can, like epilepsy, be caused by a physiological disorder instead of or in addition to a normal response to some perfectly reasonable outside cause for depression.
Okay then, so what does this have to do with me failing college, not passing classes, not going anywhere or doing anything, etc.? Really, thing that epilepsy and depression have to do with my un-achieved goals is that they were excuses. All that rumination contained in the paragraph above this one hasn't done me much good. I've come to the conclusion that, while it's important to address the problem and take care of it (medication, therapy, whatever), it is also important to move on! Many people have far worse obstacles to overcome - and do! Many people with physical, mental, emotional issues have somehow gotten past them and done some of the most amazing things.
I'd like to say I've quit making excuses, but I haven't. I catch myself doing it all the time. I'd like to say I won't do it anymore, but I know I will and to say that I won't is just setting myself up for failure. What I can do, however, is make a commitment to looking past my obstacles and, by the power of the Spirit, doing what it takes to live abnormally!
The following lyrics are from a song called Scapegoat by Atmosphere - a local hip hop duo from right here in Minneapolis. Youtube link here: https://youtu.be/mnZCqzvLEW8
"It's the caffeine, the nicotine, the miligrams of tarIt's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my carIt's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brainIt's the cat box it needs to be changed, it's the painIt's women, it's the fight for power, it's governmentIt's the way you're giving knowledgeslow with thought control and subtle hintsIt's rubbing it, It's itching it, It's applying creamIt's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, It's in my dreamsIt's the monsters that I conjure, It's the marijuanaIt's embarrassment, displacement, it's where I wanderIt's my genre, It's Madonna's videosIt's game shows, cheap liquor, blunts,and bumper stickers with rainbowsIt's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devilsIt's the monitors, the soundman, it's the f**king mic levelsIt's gas fumes, fast food, Tommy Hil' and mommy's pillColumbia House music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugsIt's bloods, crips, fives, sixIt's stick up kids,It's Christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicksIt's the east coast, no it's the west coastIt's public schools, it's asbestosIt's mentholated, It's technoIt's sleep, life, and deathIt's speed, coke, and methIt's hay fever, pain relievers, oral sex, and smokers breathIt stretches for as far as the eye can seeIt's reality, f**k it , it's everything but me"